The Lovers Who Never Were {Chapter 8}

Chapter Eight

Caitlin stared at the messages on her screen. She re-read the discussion over and over again. She felt so stupid, being used for John’s own wiles, she thought he was serious. Caitlin held her stomach as nausea slowly began engulfing her reserve. Putting her earbuds in her ears, she turned on her cd player and listened to her latest burnt cd consisting of numerous songs of different artists. Tears brimmed in her eyes as she read over and over how this woman was John’s fiancée, she thought that over the months and the multiple times she allowed him to use her for his own sick purposes (of which she had a hard time understanding because she was so naïve in the nature of sexual things), and almost threw up, when she saw that John had logged online and had messaged her.

jmm1912z: Hello darling, I’m sorry I’m late. How was your day?

catipher: Don’t darling me, John, I know the truth, now.

jmm1912z: I’m not sure what you’re talking about, love. What is wrong?

catipher: Well, your fiancée just messaged me, darling, so now would you care to explain what’s going on and who you really are?

jmm1912z: I’m not sure what you’re talking about, Caitlin. I haven’t a fiancée. The only love interest that I have is you.

catipher: Quit the crap, John, she told me everything. She told me how she works for you as your prime model and that you two have been together for a while. How the heck did she even find me online? I’ve never talked to this person before in my life. What is going on and why have you lied to me for so long? I thought we had something real and that you truly loved me. I was so stupid.

jmm1912z: I’m not sure what you’re speaking of, darling; I’m not a modeling agent. I own my own cleaning company. Did the person who messaged you have the screen name “model 010”?

catipher: Yes, why? You obviously know this person if you know her screen name.

jmm1912z: I’m so sorry, my love. Please ignore her, she’s someone I knew a while back that seem to leave me be. I’m not sure how on earth she got your screen name, but I’ll definitely talk to her.

catipher: Who is she? How would she even know about me if you don’t want anything to do with her?

jmm1912z: I haven’t been 100% honest with you, my sweet. I’m unsure how to bring this up because I worry you’ll leave me and want nothing further to do with me. Do you love me, Caitlin?

catipher: You know I do, John. Besides having a fiancée, I’m not sure it’s possible for me to stop loving you or even want to. You’ve always seemed like my soulmate since we first started talking.

jmm1912z: And you, darling, to me. I feel much better and can tell you the truth now. Please, promise me you won’t
leave me?

catipher: It depends on what you’re going to tell me. If you’re engaged, I have no choice but to part ways with you.

Caitlin was scared of what John’s deep secrets could be that he needed to tell her. The fact he was scared she might leave him, worried her as to what these things could be. She had never before felt the way she did for John, before, and prayed silently that it wasn’t something that would destroy their relationship. She sat, waiting for him to respond. It felt like hours as she wanted the few moments for his response.

jmm1912z: First things first, I’m not 21.
Caitlin breathed with relief. She never thought age was of any importance if you found your soul mate. She knew that she loved John for who he was, not for his age.

catipher: Ok, how old are you then?

jmm1912z: I’m 45.

Caitlin’s jaw dropped open. This man was the same age as her parents! How could he possibly be so much older than her? Granted, when he mentioned owning his own business, she was a little suspicious, but it wasn’t uncommon nowadays for savant children going on their own, etc. England was a whole different mess of things, so she attempted to always keep an open mind.

jmm1912z: Well? Did I scare you off?

catipher: No, John. It’s just a number. I’ll be 18 in two years and things should be just fine. If that’sall you’ve been
hiding there isn’t a problem.

jmm1912z: Well, that’snot all. I have been married once before and I have a son your age. I’m separated from my
wife now and currently working on getting a divorce if she’d only just sign the papers…

catipher: So, you’re technically still married, then?

jmm1912z: Yes, and no. I’m able to date and move on, which I’m doing… but legally I cannot marry yet. I haven’t told anyone about our relationship, darling, so I’m not sure how Margaret got your screen name. I will make it a point to tell her never to contact you again. I’m so sorry she upset you, love; truly, there is nothing between her and me.

catipher: But you see her every day. How do I know that you aren’t messing with her? How do I know that any of this is true? I just don’t know what to think… why would you have anything to do with such a toxic person?

jmm1912z: All I can do is ask that you trust me. The only secret I have ever kept from you is my age and separation. Darling, I love you so much; please know that I would never do anything to hurt you, ever.

catipher: Alright. I’ll give you another chance, but if she messages me again, I’ll know that you never talked to her and I’m afraid we’d have to part ways.

jmm1912z: I respect that, darling, and will keep you to your word. I will have a talk with her tomorrow and this should be an end to that. I’m afraid I must head off now, though, dear. I’m so grateful to know that you love me for me and that I haven’t scared you off. I hope you can forgive me for keeping mum; I didn’t want to lose you.

catipher: It’s ok. It’s just a number. I think that love overcomes those sorts of boundaries. I’ll talk to you later.

jmm1912z: I love you.

Jmm1912z has signed off.

Caitlin had no idea what she was getting herself into. She turned off the computer and went to her room while her mother lay in her room watching TV and her father lay on the couch in the living room watching his own shows. She really had no one to talk to about this but Sarah. It was after eight o’clock and decided to put herself to bed earlier than norm. She crawled up in her waterbed and pulled the covers over her head after turning on the stereo in hopes it would lull her to sleep. The night was a rough one; Caitlin tossed and turned nonstop, trying hard to go to sleep. Finally, grabbing her cd player off the back of her bed, she put in her earbuds and listened to the Beatles. For some reason, this always seemed to comfort her. In no time, she was in a dreamless sleep.

Six o’clock in the morning came too quickly. Her alarm went off and the hall light went on, showing her that her mom was about to wake her for yet another day of school. She was grateful it was Friday, though, because that meant she had the weekend to think of what was going on and let it sink in. Caitlin kept telling herself that it was, in fact, just a number. Heck, back in the earlier days much older men were always marrying much younger girls, younger than her, even, so she didn’t understand why it was such a terrible thing now. She felt as long as she had her soulmate, which she felt John was, nothing would step in to stop them from being together. Nothing.
On the bus ride in, Caitlin told Sarah all that had happened the night before. “What the heck?! He’s FORTY FIVE?! Cat, what are you going to do? You won’t continue dating this guy, will you? I mean, I’ll support you either way, but what else could he have lied to you about?” Caitlin looked down at her hands as they twisted the strap of her backpack, “Well, he has a son our age…” Sarah’s mouth stood agape, “Oh my, Cat… this is just surreal.” Caitlin nodded, still messing with the bottom straps of her backpack “Sarah, I feel like he’s my soulmate. I think if I leave him, or whatever, that I won’t find anything like this again. I want to be happy, finally, and not lonely anymore. I’ve been so lonely for so long.” Sarah nodded in understanding, “I guess you’re right. I mean if he’s going to be honest with you now, what would be the problem? You’ll be old enough soon to make your own mind up and I’ll still be there to support you.”  Caitlin smiled, “I really appreciate that.” The bus turned into the school lot and the busy day began.

School seemed to drag on that day, Caitlin could not figure out why. She was in Spanish class when the school was alerted to a bomb threat, so half the day she sat outside in the football field with the other students until her brother-in-law could pick her up. After arriving home, a message blinked on the answering machine; “This is the school calling for Caitlin Winston. It seems you have a beautiful flower waiting in the office to be picked up! It was delivered during the bomb threat, so we were unable to let you know. We can hold it until tomorrow, if you like, or you are welcome to come and get it as we’ll be open until five o’clock. Thank you!” Caitlin erased the message, her heart beating inside her like the wings of a hummingbird. Who could have sent her a rose? She’d never gotten flowers before, let alone from a secret admirer. She called her brother-in-law, George, to take her back to the school to pick up the surprise.

Her legs felt like rubber as she stepped out of the pickup truck at her school. Caitlin wondered if John had somehow sent her a rose since she knew that she told him where she was currently attending. “He didn’t mention sending me anything…” she said to herself as she stepped into the office. On the front counter stood the beautiful red rose with baby’s breath in a slim glass vase. Attached was a small envelope. The secretary smiled as Caitlin stepped up to the counter, “Are you Caitlin?” She nodded and smiled, “Well, this is quite a lovely flower, my dear. You must have a very special friend to send you this…” she winked at Caitlin as she felt the blush come to her cheeks. “I do, thank you. I’m so surprised he sent me something, though.” The secretary laughed as she handed the flower to Caitlin, “Well, dear, take care and enjoy it. See you tomorrow.” She smiled as Caitlin walked out, staring at the flower in her hand.

Caitlin could not bring herself to read the card on the way home. John was her secret and she didn’t feel it was the right time to share him just yet, especially with the latest developments. “Who sent you the flower?” George asked as she stepped out of the truck, “I’m not sure.” Caitlin lied as she closed the passenger side door. George rolled the window down, “Does my little sister have a secret admirer?” He teased as she waved him off, “No, that’sridiculous! Anyway, stop picking on me!” she laughed as he rolled the window back up. Caitlin walked up to the porch and watched as the pickup backed out of her driveway. Neither parent was home as of yet and she was grateful. She had no idea how she would explain the mysterious flower to either of them and she knew that there would be questions.

Safely inside, sitting on the couch beside her black cat, Spooky, Caitlin gently took the card off of the vase and opened it. It was a breathtaking card; white with a rose border on the left edge and corner. She smiled as she looked at the name written at the bottom, first. John. “I’ll love you forever.” Were the words scrawled on the card, her face flushed as she kissed the card gently and replaced it in the envelope, she didn’t want to lose the special card, but she knew that her parents could not see it as of yet. Caitlin walked into the dining room, tapping gently on the glass vase, when she heard her mother pull into the driveway. Her heart sank. She had hoped for more time to think of an explanation for the surprise rose and she knew that no matter what, if she tried to hide it, her brother-in-law would blab. She set the rose on the table and sat down as her mother bustled through the door after a long day at work.

“Caitlin, I’m home!” She called as she hung up her jacket and purse, “Where are you dear?” Caitlin tapped her fingers on the table, “I’m in the dining room…” she said loudly as her mother walked in. Immediately upon entering, her mother’s eyes found the rose sitting before her on the table. “Oh, what a lovely flower! Where did it come from, dear?” She asked as she went to the kitchen and began getting pots and pans out for dinner. “Oh, just from someone I met online…” her mom stopped and turned, “Um, what? You weren’t supposed to give out any information about yourself on the web, you know that! You know how dangerous that is!” Caitlin frowned as she stared hard at the rose, “Mom it’s just some boy at my school that has been talking to me online. I didn’t even know that he went to my school until we began talking. It’s ok.” Her mom turned and beamed, “Oh Caitlin! Your first crush!! I’m so excited!!” Caitlin shrugged, a pit growing larger and larger inside her. She never lied to her parents and this was very tough for her.

Caitlin’s father arrived shortly after dinner had finished cooking. Walking into the dining room, he noticed the flower immediately as she did her homework, “What’s that?” He asked, curiously. Caitlin opened her mouth to reply when her mother burst in “Catty’s got a boyfriend, isn’t that wonderful?!” Her mother beamed as she finished putting dinner on the counter for everyone to get. Arching his brow he replied “Is that so? Is this someone at school?” Caitlin shrugged and nodded, “It’s someone she met online that apparently goes to her school…” her mother continued as she grabbed plates out of the cabinet. “Huh.” He mumbled as he began making his plate, “What’s his name?” Caitlin stopped writing what she was doing, “Uh, it’s Brandon…” , she had such a hard time coming up with a name. Her main crush was a boy named Robert who lived down the street and she didn’t know anyone named Brandon. “What’s his last name?” He asked as he grabbed silverware out of the drawer near their refrigerator. “Haze.” She quipped as she went back to finishing her homework.  Her father began humming to himself as he finished getting his drink and started walking to the living room. Caitlin felt sick to her stomach.

“Honey, dinner’s ready.” Her mom reminded her as she sat and started into the rose. Caitlin got up from her chair, grabbed her rose and went to the trashcan, “Honey, what are you doing?! Why would you throw away such a beautiful flower? Especially from your first boyfriend?” Caitlin shook her head, “He’s not my boyfriend, mom. Brandon’s just some boy I helped at school and I guess he’s got some sort of crush on me. Trust me, it’s not reciprocated…” Her mother frowned, “At least keep the vase, dear, I can use it again.” Caitlin shrugged, “Ok, mom.” After she tossed the flower out, she felt her stomach ache begin to settle and she went to grab her plate. She could not understand that, but she felt famished all of a sudden and ate her dinner quickly. Her mom stared, “Wow, honey, did you eat your lunch at school today?” Caitlin nodded, “I guess I’m just starving is all.”

Seven o’clock came fast and Caitlin found herself anticipating John’s arrival. The minutes ticked by and there were no messages from Margaret, which she was grateful for. Hopefully John had talked to this lady and she’d be left alone. A half an hour passed and there was still no sign of John, when suddenly a message popped up from another screen name.

Harrier111: Is this Caitlin?

catipher: Yes, who is this?

Harrier111: This is Mark, John’s friend. He cannot come on tonight, I’m afraid.

catipher: Oh? Why?

Harrier111: He’s at hospital. Apparently he’s gotten rather sick, I’m afraid.

Caitlin’s heart sank at the thought of not being able to talk to John tonight; even worse, she worried about him being sick and her not being able to be there with him.

catipher: How did you get my screen name?

Harrier111: John gave it to me at hospital, said he didn’t know how long he’d be there, so I came on to let you know.

catipher: Oh no. I hope he’s ok! I’m so worried about him!!

Harrier111: Thanks, love, I’ll tell him. He should be getting better soon enough; it was pretty unexpected.

catipher: Ok. So, how long have you known John?

Harrier111: I’ve known him for a long time. You know how old he is, right?

catipher: Yes, he told me. I don’t mind, though….

Harrier111: Huh… well, that’smighty nice of you. He deserves a good woman who will take care of him. His ex
was horrible.

catipher: Oh? He never really told me about her.

Harrier111: Yeah, Margaret was a psycho path; still is. I have no idea why he still allows her to work with him,
being as she is, but who knows. All I know is that I won’t let anyone else hurt him; he’s a good man, John.

catipher: You’re very kind, Mark.

Harrier111: Yeah, I take care of my friends and he’s like family to me.

catipher: You’re a very good person to be such a great friend to him. I hope, someday, that we can meet 

Harrier111: Wow, you’re a quick one, aren’t you, little whore. I’m going to tell him you were making moves on me!

Harrier111 has signed off.

Caitlin read and re-read the conversation that just occurred. She was in shock at what she had just read and could not understand what she had done wrong. “I only said he as a good friend and that I hoped I would meet him someday, after I met John, of course….” She mumbled to herself as she turned off the computer. It was after eight o’clock when this Mark person had left and she felt ill, again. “What have I gotten myself into?” she asked herself as she put on her pajamas, went to bed, and cried.